Hello,It’s been a few days but here we go, here is another classic case that I dealt with many years ago. A case of…. Vampires, or as my good friend the late Samuel L Jackson would say, mother fucking vampires! If he did say that I would say to him, no Samuel, no! The vampire in this instance does not have any kind of sex with mothers and it is worth keeping in mind that while some vampires do prefer the sexual skin on skin action of a mothers flesh not all of them limit themselves in this way. Some may in fact like to enter a father, or just a regular guy. They may even like to kiss animals on the lips for absolutely ages until they have built up a film around the edges of their teeth and they have to scrape it with their nail. So, keep that in mind Samuel L next time you decide to just jump in and start interfering with my work.
This week I am going to help another GEM employee with a problem which is troubling them.
So, WIG readers if you want the guidance of a woman with many years of problem solving under her belt put fingers to keyboards and tell me your dilemma.
Think of me as a soft warm pillow to snooze on when snoozy. A dog when your cupboard is full of Pedigree Chum or a hat when it’s a bit windy and you don’t want your mane to get dishevelled.
My mind is here to help.
Dear Zelda,
I have a 14 year old son who I am terrified of. The reason for this fear is because I know that he is a vampire!
My initial fear started up last year when me, my wife and our son were on Holiday in Brisbane (not far from Shanghai). My son kept complaining about the sunlight and how it burned. I knew right away that there was something strange going on. Think about it for a while. What kind of person or creature complains about sunlight? That’s right, a vampire!
Not long after our holiday we were eating chips, beans and garlic bread at the dinner table. My son began complaining that garlic bread made him feel sick and that he didn’t want any. My suspicions were aroused once more so I decided to conduct a little test. The very next morning I placed seven cloves of liquidised garlic in the milk and watched my son pour it over his breakfast cereal. He had one spoonful of it and vomited everywhere. I was so scared that without thinking I jumped back from the table and threw a dried Weatabix really hard at his head. This enraged him and my wife, who up until that point, I had not told about our son being a vampire.
The atmosphere in our house was a bit weird after that incident. My wife told me I was being irrational and that I am the one with a problem.
I decided to solve the ‘problem’ once and for all by kicking my sons bedroom door in and slamming a cross on his head. He began screaming right away, which disturbed my wife. Half an hour later my wife was pacing the living room, my son was crying in a state of shock and I was apologising to both but deep down not really feeling sorry.
Last Tuesday I went up to my son’s bedroom to give him a dish of home made rice pudding (my wife uses real vanilla pod, costs a fortune but worth it!) and before I even opened the door I knew something was up. I pushed the door open quickly and there was my son was floating in the air and eating our neighbours neck! I took a step back, terrified but not taking my eyes off my son. He looked at me and after dropping our neighbour told me that he was a little bit embarrassed and that he was going to tell me the truth one day. I ran away leaving my wife with him and I am currently staying in a caravan near the Giants Causway.
What do I do? Should I kill my vampire son before he hurts anyone else or should I embrace him?
Marco Footie
Dear Marco,
Vampirism is rare in these parts of the country but looks set to become a common problem in the next few years. Since working as an agony aunt and expert on the occult I have had to deal with seventeen cases of the vampire disease.
As we all know, vampires were invented back in 1880 by Albert Einstein around the same time as he invented the shoe. The crazy fool was trying to invent a way of making humans taller by splicing the DNA of a bat with a human. His experiment failed and instead he created an evil half dead creature that drank human blood. Albert’s scientist friends would often laugh at this stupid mistake and would throw things into his massive hair.
The issue here is that it is not just a vampire but your own flesh and blood. It would be easy for you to storm into his room brandishing a massive chunk of ham but it would be far nicer if we can bring you two together.
Tonight I want you to go back home and apologise to your son. He may not want your wife to know just yet that he is an undead creature from beyond the grave and you will have to accept this. Everyone knows how to kill vampires but not many people know how to cheer one up or look after them. Here is a 5 positive vampire treatments.
1) Vampires love fish paste just as much as blood. Keep an open jar of fish paste (shrimp and mayonnaise preferably) near to your pillow and they will keep off your neck and face.
2) Vampires although terrified of crosses are quite the opposite with triangles. Give a vampire a triangle and you have a friend for life.
3) Vampire’s gums need to be moisturised on a regular basis. Rub a solution of sugar water and tree sap onto their gums to keep them from drying out.
4) Some vampires can get a bit upset about only being able to go out at night. If you simply don’t mention the fact that they will die if sun light goes on them they seem to get depressed much less often.
5) It is a myth that wooden stakes kill vampires. A wooden stake through a vampire’s chest is actually very similar to doing 100 sit-ups to a human.
Good luck with your son Marco; if he gets a little rambunctious you can always fill your wife with garlic and feed her to your son. *(March - 2010) I suggest eating here Samuel, and certainly no ‘fucking.’*
Zelda
x
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