It’s a Monday. A day that would be considered to be the most evil of all days, and I am talking pure evil. Not just bad. Pure evil.
I will tell you a quick story about how Monday first happened. For this we will need to go back to the stuff that is written in that Bible you see in most good bookshops. There are a few things missing from the bible, one of them being some things about what happened to St God on the day he created Monday.
And thou did a Monday out of the moon dust and space chunks. God gazed and pondered an eloquent minute. Pleased. Monday. A good start. But what is this? Tiredness in God’s loins. His head of almighty goodness bored and unarsed? Mystical eyes no longer yearning to stay open. Doth thou sleep chamber call ye? A heart mattress filled with a straw and skin fur of duck? Tempting?
“Monday is shit!” said God and did his best to smite it but the laziness was overwhelming. The God sat and wondered. Why had he did a Monday and not just do a Friday to Sunday? Even the odd Thursday was not too bad. Monday. What was the great bearded one thinking? Clasping bearded chin, God was too far into his plan to scrap Tuesday, which felt even more pointless and depressing than Monday. Not quite the start of the week, not quite the middle and FAR from the end of the week. Shit.
Meanwhile, Anubis was laughing. Monday was his favourite day.
And that was where it all started.
Here is another old case that I dealt with in the GEM online magazine – the WIG for a young ‘Kelly Meat.’ This was the only time that I have ever changed the name of a person in my column so that they can avoid being embarrassed or arrested. Isn’t that right Rachael?
Hello my fellow ladies and gentlemen I hope you all had a fantastic week. It’s so nice to be back in Belfast and even better to be back in the lovely tranquil surroundings of the GEM building. Tokyo was wonderful and I made many new friends in that wonderful town including the one and only Rick Moranis who has contributed to my up coming book, ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?’ Rick talked endlessly about how he nearly made it big but was outshone by superior actors such as Steve Martin and Burt Reynolds.
Ted Danson was an interesting man to talk to and he had many tales of how he was almost made permanently invisible after drinking tea spiked by an ill tempered chimp. Even as I was talking to him his ears were still missing along with his bottom lip. Jackie Chan didn’t even turn up and Chevy Chase was a big disappointment. He thought I was writing a book called Can Tea Really Make You Less Bald and Increase the Length of Your Knees. He is the third person to make the same mistake.
As promised I found out some celebrity secrets that had been kept out of the public eye, until now! Britney Spears eats sand, Samuel L. Jackson collects the breath of actors he has worked with, Madonna can lay eggs and finally, Vin Diesel needs to shave his eyes.
Last week I had a letter from a young lady and promised I would help her with a love problem. A love problem that has led her into the dark world of stalking and hair collecting. Not just one or two hairs, oh no, we’re talking chunks of the stuff! Eating it too!
Don’t forget to keep sending your emails into us at WIG. I read every email and respond to each personally. Think of me as ball when you feel like a game of billiards, some soil when you are planting a shrub or a Black and Decker work bench when you are trying to hold some wood steady so that you can saw a bit of wood to the exact size needed to build a shelf to hold your ant farm.
The thoughts that I create can help you.
Dear Zelda
I don't know if you can help me but you are my last resort! I am in love with a man I work with. That, I hear you scream in your catty voice, is not an issue and I understand this but it is my reaction to my new found love that bothers me. I have recently discovered how capable I am of stalking. It started off two weeks ago with little minor issues like following this man home and whispering his name. Whenever he left the office I would sniff his chair as hard as I could which has led to cutting off chunks of his hair and eating it in the toilets.
Last week I started pretending to my colleges that I am at meetings for hours when, in reality, I am in fact either under his desk touching his feet or I am curled in a ball in his drawer, listening for clues as to how I can accidentally on purposely bump into him. This did work on a few occasions and I managed to spot him in a few pubs. I would sit grinning at him, thinking of our children, our dogs and the many nights of looking at the video clips I have of him on my phone.
I am a little worried about the whole thing, not because I am now a stalker; in fact I am fine with this. My problem is that I managed to capture him with a huge net and he is below my bed at home. I'm not sure what my next step should be. Please help Zelda. He has been below my bed for 6 days now and I still haven't decided how to start a conversation with him?
Thankyou!
Kelly Meat
Dear Kelly,
Thank you for your wonderful letter. This man under your bed is not unusual and is something I can help you with easily. It is common knowledge that men actually want to be kept under beds. Men, if not under the bed can be found in a cave, underground or in a nest full of pigeons. So, remember you have done the right thing by capturing him and putting him in his natural environment. We all know that if he hadn’t been put under the bed right away he would have dried and would have been unable to shed his skin.
The best way to start a conversation, especially now that he is under your bed, stinking the place up, is to climb under the bed yourself. You need to make it clear, as you crawl into his domain, that you are only visiting. Failure to do this could mean that he thinks that you have moved in with him making it almost impossible for you to get back out. Once you are under the bed and you have laid the ground rules you need to talk about ‘boy things’ such as hair, (don’t eat anymore of it, not yet anyway) lotions, Rome, Brad Pitt and Kickboxing. Any of these subjects will help the boy relax and open up. Maybe he will show you a picture of his DVD collection, at which point act impressed. To play it safe, act amazed at any picture he shows you, even if it is of him dressed as his mother. From here you can invite him to the pub with you or even a delicatessen to pick up some containers of sun dried tomatoes.
Over the next few weeks the romance that started the day you began eating his hair will grow and grow. He will start talking of getting you to move under the bed with him and will want regular two player games on the X-box. You may want to move in right away but this will be a mistake in the long run.
Don’t let this boy think that he has the upper hand and that you are a pushover.
Good luck in your relationship with your new man and if he turns out to be a waste of time just release him and find yourself a new one.
Love Zelda
xxx
I will tell you a quick story about how Monday first happened. For this we will need to go back to the stuff that is written in that Bible you see in most good bookshops. There are a few things missing from the bible, one of them being some things about what happened to St God on the day he created Monday.
And thou did a Monday out of the moon dust and space chunks. God gazed and pondered an eloquent minute. Pleased. Monday. A good start. But what is this? Tiredness in God’s loins. His head of almighty goodness bored and unarsed? Mystical eyes no longer yearning to stay open. Doth thou sleep chamber call ye? A heart mattress filled with a straw and skin fur of duck? Tempting?
“Monday is shit!” said God and did his best to smite it but the laziness was overwhelming. The God sat and wondered. Why had he did a Monday and not just do a Friday to Sunday? Even the odd Thursday was not too bad. Monday. What was the great bearded one thinking? Clasping bearded chin, God was too far into his plan to scrap Tuesday, which felt even more pointless and depressing than Monday. Not quite the start of the week, not quite the middle and FAR from the end of the week. Shit.
Meanwhile, Anubis was laughing. Monday was his favourite day.
And that was where it all started.
Here is another old case that I dealt with in the GEM online magazine – the WIG for a young ‘Kelly Meat.’ This was the only time that I have ever changed the name of a person in my column so that they can avoid being embarrassed or arrested. Isn’t that right Rachael?
Hello my fellow ladies and gentlemen I hope you all had a fantastic week. It’s so nice to be back in Belfast and even better to be back in the lovely tranquil surroundings of the GEM building. Tokyo was wonderful and I made many new friends in that wonderful town including the one and only Rick Moranis who has contributed to my up coming book, ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?’ Rick talked endlessly about how he nearly made it big but was outshone by superior actors such as Steve Martin and Burt Reynolds.
Ted Danson was an interesting man to talk to and he had many tales of how he was almost made permanently invisible after drinking tea spiked by an ill tempered chimp. Even as I was talking to him his ears were still missing along with his bottom lip. Jackie Chan didn’t even turn up and Chevy Chase was a big disappointment. He thought I was writing a book called Can Tea Really Make You Less Bald and Increase the Length of Your Knees. He is the third person to make the same mistake.
As promised I found out some celebrity secrets that had been kept out of the public eye, until now! Britney Spears eats sand, Samuel L. Jackson collects the breath of actors he has worked with, Madonna can lay eggs and finally, Vin Diesel needs to shave his eyes.
Last week I had a letter from a young lady and promised I would help her with a love problem. A love problem that has led her into the dark world of stalking and hair collecting. Not just one or two hairs, oh no, we’re talking chunks of the stuff! Eating it too!
Don’t forget to keep sending your emails into us at WIG. I read every email and respond to each personally. Think of me as ball when you feel like a game of billiards, some soil when you are planting a shrub or a Black and Decker work bench when you are trying to hold some wood steady so that you can saw a bit of wood to the exact size needed to build a shelf to hold your ant farm.
The thoughts that I create can help you.
Dear Zelda
I don't know if you can help me but you are my last resort! I am in love with a man I work with. That, I hear you scream in your catty voice, is not an issue and I understand this but it is my reaction to my new found love that bothers me. I have recently discovered how capable I am of stalking. It started off two weeks ago with little minor issues like following this man home and whispering his name. Whenever he left the office I would sniff his chair as hard as I could which has led to cutting off chunks of his hair and eating it in the toilets.Last week I started pretending to my colleges that I am at meetings for hours when, in reality, I am in fact either under his desk touching his feet or I am curled in a ball in his drawer, listening for clues as to how I can accidentally on purposely bump into him. This did work on a few occasions and I managed to spot him in a few pubs. I would sit grinning at him, thinking of our children, our dogs and the many nights of looking at the video clips I have of him on my phone.
I am a little worried about the whole thing, not because I am now a stalker; in fact I am fine with this. My problem is that I managed to capture him with a huge net and he is below my bed at home. I'm not sure what my next step should be. Please help Zelda. He has been below my bed for 6 days now and I still haven't decided how to start a conversation with him?
Thankyou!
Kelly Meat
Dear Kelly,
Thank you for your wonderful letter. This man under your bed is not unusual and is something I can help you with easily. It is common knowledge that men actually want to be kept under beds. Men, if not under the bed can be found in a cave, underground or in a nest full of pigeons. So, remember you have done the right thing by capturing him and putting him in his natural environment. We all know that if he hadn’t been put under the bed right away he would have dried and would have been unable to shed his skin.
The best way to start a conversation, especially now that he is under your bed, stinking the place up, is to climb under the bed yourself. You need to make it clear, as you crawl into his domain, that you are only visiting. Failure to do this could mean that he thinks that you have moved in with him making it almost impossible for you to get back out. Once you are under the bed and you have laid the ground rules you need to talk about ‘boy things’ such as hair, (don’t eat anymore of it, not yet anyway) lotions, Rome, Brad Pitt and Kickboxing. Any of these subjects will help the boy relax and open up. Maybe he will show you a picture of his DVD collection, at which point act impressed. To play it safe, act amazed at any picture he shows you, even if it is of him dressed as his mother. From here you can invite him to the pub with you or even a delicatessen to pick up some containers of sun dried tomatoes.
Over the next few weeks the romance that started the day you began eating his hair will grow and grow. He will start talking of getting you to move under the bed with him and will want regular two player games on the X-box. You may want to move in right away but this will be a mistake in the long run.
Don’t let this boy think that he has the upper hand and that you are a pushover. Good luck in your relationship with your new man and if he turns out to be a waste of time just release him and find yourself a new one.
Love Zelda
xxx
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