Today’s old and classic case, from 2006, is about a typical scenario that we have all found ourselves in. I have rewritten much of what is here so that it is how I originally wanted the advice and information to be passed on before it was so brutally chopped to pieces so that it did not offend the sensitive readers out there… and if any of you are offended I am sorry and perhaps you should go back to crying into your soft bible and praying to your big imaginary friend in the sky. Idiot.
My husband ‘Simply’ has made a full recovery from his illness he caught over Christmas. (update – I really wish he hadn’t the little magic fuck) The only side affect being that 90% of his meals now consist of Bamboo shoots and, if available, the odd crow and seagull. Doctors have said the bamboo cravings have arisen due to the Panda saliva he ingested over the festive period whilst playing card games and kissing the pandas full on, on the lips. Proper Frenching them like he wants to possibly try and mate with them. The same doctors are baffled by the desire to eat crows and seagulls.
My time in the lift (update – I was stuck in that God damn first lift on the right for weeks!) has limited my meetings with celebrities and has seriously hampered my ability to get much work done on my forthcoming book, Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? Last night, my first night back at home with ‘Simply’, Panda and Holly, the phone rang and when I picked up my ears collided with the sounds of Leo Sayer’s tiny little elf voice.
Leo wants to talk to me because word reached him from Vinnie Jones that I was writing a book about tea related anomalies. When I explained that I was mainly looking for invisibility or at least a story of slight transparency he told me that it was a real shame because he knew of another agony Aunt who was writing a book similar to mine called ‘Is Tea Magical?’ and that he had a very interesting story that was about him, his hair, tea and a few different cheeses.
When I asked Leo who this other Agony Aunt was that was writing a book about tea a reply met my ears that caused my blood to boil. Aunt Zara! This was the very same Zara that had taken my first husband, Rod Nolligan, away from me in 1990 and although I am happy enough with ‘Simply’ I will never forgive Zara for what she did, the scheming whore-bitch!
So, as of yesterday, my book has now got a new title, Can Tea Make You Invisible and other stuff? I intend to have the part of the title that says and other stuff in really small writing on the cover of the book. I will also still refer to the book as Can Tea really Make You Invisible?
I have accepted Leo’s arranged meeting and will be seeing him sometime next week.
This week sees the long awaited return to my duties as Agony Aunt for Gem. There have been millions of emails in my inbox and I have started to work my way through them. The one I have featured today was the first to hold my attention for more than 5 minutes though.
Dear Zelda,
First of all I would like to say a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and your family! I want to also thank you in advance for reading through my email to you as I bet you are extremely busy and drowning in emails.
I grew up with my younger brother in a small house in Glengormley (a Metropolis that has both a bowling ally and a KFC!) and enjoyed a simple and complacent existence. My parents both had excellent jobs at a local zoo and still work there today.
My life was pretty great except for my ears. They were long and flopped over my shoulders. My parents said that it was because they handled so many long eared beasts in the zoo but I thought it was much more sinister.One day, on my 19th birthday actually, after my parents went to work, I headed to the zoo on my 50cc scooter and hid behind some shrubs, bins, sheds, rhinos and antelope. All the while watching my parents go about their duties. I was looking for clues as to why my ears were so long.
My dad walked towards the pterodactyl pen and began changing the cushions in the nest whilst my mum was in with the hippos, brushing their fur and milking their prostates. They did this all day. They did this every single day, their roles within the zoo never changing. This wasn’t a problem, at all. I liked the fact that my parents were beast handlers and I loved the fact that my dad worked with extinct animals. I suppose the problem was that I didn’t find an answer to my ear related question.
A few weeks ago, on my 25th birthday, I had an operation to reduce the size of my ears, or so I thought. I went into hospital and was taken to a room with walls covered in rubbish pictures of SuperTed, Batman, Slayer and the old family favourite of Bal Sagoth. Also in this room were children, the oldest being about 8 or 9. All of these children were breaking wind and it was making me feel sick.
My girlfriend soon left, laughter shooting from her face and lips, whilst I sat on my rubber mattress, the smell of spoilt ice-cream clogging the air. Surprisingly, I fell asleep and when I woke up one of my ear lobes was in the hands of a really tall and well built doctor, who was prodding at my ear with a slightly wet pen.
Not long after this intrusive prodding with a pen I was in the operating theatre, about to embark on a life with smaller ears. A huge needle was stuck into my arm and the last thing I remember was the consistent sound of wind being broken, cutting through the air of the ward like smelly blades.
I woke up. I had been unconscious for two whole days and as I raised my hands to feel my ears my fingers were met with cloth. My whole head was bandaged up like Mumra (but not Mumra The Ever Living, he had less bandages on) and in so much pain I could hardly move my eyes without squirming. The bandages still didn’t stop the flatulent sounds from bouncing off my ear drums. My girlfriend arrived shortly after I awoke and informed me that it was alright for me to go home
with her.I had been home for a week, and only had another day to wait until I could unbound my head from it’s bandage prison. My lungs were so full of excitement that I began to tease myself by playing with the end of the bandage and popping a thumb inside. I kept imagining myself with my glorious, average sized ears and the rewards that I would reap.
That night I got into bed, prepared for a night of no sleep but surprisingly drifted off in seconds. The next morning I woke and made a grab for the material wrapped around my face but grasped facial cheek instead. The bandage had gone. I looked at my girlfriend but she was sleeping so it seemed unlikely she unwrapped my head. I checked my pillow. There was nothing there. Not a hint of material, in fact, not even the faintest hint of a pillow.
I walked to the bathroom and that was when I spotted my head. My ears looked good on the side of my head now but my head was bulging all over! How I hadn’t noticed this before I will never know but this was the way it was. My head didn’t feel any heavier, nor did I have any problems operating it.
I ran to my bedroom and woke my girlfriend with an accidental head butt to the chin. Her eyes flicked open and she began to laugh and scream at the same time. It wasn’t the reaction I was hoping for the day I unsheathed my lobes, which, I might add, were untouched by surgery of any kind!
It took a while for my girlfriend to get used to my new look and we soon found ourselves back in our usual routines. It was about this time I thought back to the bandages. My girlfriend had always insisted that she didn’t touch them. I never believed her until last week.
I had just stepped into my bath. The water was piping hot and the bubbles were plentiful. I slid down into the water, letting it engulf my face. A peculiar sound began to emerge from the around my face and when I sat up and opened my eyes, most of the bath water had gone. I peeked over the side of the bath to see if it had been dispersed by the girth of my inflated cranium and found that the floor was dry. Slightly scared, I walked uneasily to the mirror and gazed at my head, which snow appeared ever so slightly bigger. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted a small piece of white near my ear and when I tugged at it I found it to be the bandage that had concealed my head after my so called operation. I discovered the bandage led into my ear and when I pulled on it again, it was wrenched from my hand and back into my head. I could hear a little giggle inside my skull and the sound of a bandage being coiled. I began to question my sanity and quickly took my mobile phone from my trousers on the floor and entered the number of a local psychiatrist that I knew. No sooner had I raised the phone to my head it was whisked out of my wet hand, through my ear and into my head.
Right away the phone in my living room started to ring. I staggered into the room, still a little damp, and answered the phone. I couldn’t believe it.
Zelda, please help, there is a troll living inside my head and it keeps steeling my possessions and phoning me! Last night he phoned my six times and then called me an idiot each time and hung up! What can I do!
Salvador Peanutskin
Dear Salvador,
Let me just set your mind at ease right away. The troll inside your head is a positive thing and is something that most people will have to live with at some stage in their life. The syndrome is not permanent nor will it be painful when the day comes for you to give birth to the head based troll. They can be slightly annoying at the adolescent stage which yours is at right now but this will only last a few more months.
Head-Trolls were first discovered in parts of Donegal and Milton Keynes back in 1996. The first documented Head-Troll was in the head of Patrick Moore, who as we all know is a gifted xylophone player. One night, during a gig in a pub in Ipswich, Moore picked his xylophone up, ready to smash it down in true rock-star fashion but it was taken from his hands. An audience of 8 totally drunk people watched as the musical instrument disappeared inside his head. They of course blamed the spectacle on the alcohol juices in their brain veins.
Not too long after this incident Patrick, having never looked at a book about moons, stars or even telescopes, went on to host his own television show full of really, really interesting things about our heavens. Where did this knowledge come from? I’ll tell you where; it came from the troll. Even after the trolls birth and exodus from the head, Patrick continued to gain more and more knowledge a
bout stars and moonbeams.When the time comes the Head-Troll will emerge from your mouth in a shower of confetti and run away from you, never to be seen ever again. It will leave behind some knowledge about one of two things Space or Mammals. Sadly, you don’t get decide which.
The following is a few tips to help you look after the Head-Troll. I must state now that the troll will have been in your head before the hospital appointment to get your ears treated. They can’t be put into a head through any form of surgery, they merely decide on a cranium to inhabit and climb in. Right, here are those tips:
1) First of all - Don’t hold your head up to bright light. Head-Trolls hate that! Direct Sunlight for more than six hours will actually kill it and is also not very good for your skin.
2) Secondly - In some cases water combined with a Head-Troll has equalled strange results ranging from nothing at all right through to more spectacular cases where the Head-Troll multiplies! In future keep your head out of the bath! You were lucky this time.
3) Thirdly and most importantly of all – Never ever, no matter how much he begs, or how much he pleads, never ever put your head anywhere near the wheels of a moving train or the moving blades of a lawnmower.
Please follow the above tips and you should have no problems with your Head-Troll or as I like to call them, ‘Head-Gifts.’
As for your ears please contact the hospital, I am sure this was an administrative mistake. You can always go to your chemist and get that well known ointment ‘Ear-Away’ made by Heinz. They offer a six-month course of the cream and it is reasonably priced too. It will not cure you completely but it will take your ears away from your shoulders at least.
Take care and lots of love to you all,
Zelda
The births of Head-Trolls is usually painless but about 97% of people usually end up with either an inside out head or simply dead during labour.
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