Soiling of the grass!

Hello again, a few years ago, back in the 80s no less, this case landed on my desk I stifled a yelp as I was unsure what I would do for this skinbag at first. Then, it hit me. Advise him. So I did.

At the time I was still gathering material for my book ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? And I had gained some valuable information from the late Jim Bowen, who is dead now (not right now, but to save me coming back and editing I will refer to him as if he died. He may not have been killed by a cougar but for the purpose of this exercise I want you to visualise this wild creature clawing at Jim’s sad and extremely confused face, as it is torn to shreds by the wild animal that some how managed to get into the bath with Jim unnoticed. Maybe Jim was doing that thing where he lay back in the bath and had a hot flannel over his face and was thinking of dart related game shows. Maybe he had some shampoo in his eyes and he was clumsily grasping at air, inches away from the towel and then when he finally got the towel he dried his eyes and all the while the cougar was just sitting on one of those trays which go across the bath which you can put soap, sponge and pumice in. Poor Jim. May he be in a better place right now. We love you Jim. God bless! Why GOD?! WHY!!! WHY DID YOU TAKE ONE OF YOUR OWN!!!!) Jim's name isn't even Jim! It's Peter.

This article is also the first time that I mention my pet silverback Gorilla - Holly.

Please enjoy and remember, not all that glitters is gold. Glass in the face of a chav?

Good morning, good afternoon, good night and merry Christmas to you depending on when you are reading this! I informed my lovely WIG colleagues last week that I had to go to an Annual Agony Aunt Convention. This was not true. Me and my husband ‘Simply’ Gary’s pet silverback gorilla, Holly gave birth to her first litter of hatchlings.

It was an easy labour with all six of the babies flying out pretty much at the same time. Holly is, of course, storing her children in her back pouches until they are old enough to walk. ‘Simply’ Gary has to help out with the breast feeding of the offspring as they are a hungry bunch and Holly can only take so much milking.

This birth took up much of my time last week and also left me with a huge amount of work in both GEM and in answering your emails and questions. It has also knocked things back with the work I have been doing on my book, ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?’

Jim Bowen submitted some interesting material about how many years ago, around the time Bullseye ended, he and his wife were sitting in a hammock drinking a fresh mug of Tetley when all of a sudden he felt a painful sensation flooding through his shoulders. The amazing thing is that instead of becoming invisible or slightly translucent he actually became even denser in appearance. The tea had caused a reverse effect. This affliction left the comedian in such a solid state that cameras couldn’t pick up his image anymore and so Bullseye ended.

It is time for me to work my magic now and solve another problem bothering a precious GEM staff member. Don’t forget to keep sending your problems into me through the WIG. I read every email and respond to each personally. Think of me as a beaver when you need a dam, some beef when you are planning a delicious roast beef dinner or a pair of goggles when you are swimming and your eyes are sensitive to chlorine and/or urine.

My brain waves are here to help.

Dear Zelda,

I am in a real mess! Recently, I moved into a lovely estate in Belfast. When I moved there I quickly learnt that everyone knows each other very well and every week the whole estate take it in turns to meet up at each others houses to talk about what is going on in our little suburbia.
It didn’t take long for me to get invited to one of these gatherings and it didn’t take long for me to notice that the people living in the other houses were all a little bit creepy. First of all, all of the residents look very similar. Women and men seem to have the same hair and features. None of the twelve couples have children and all of them have dogs.

Not long after this meeting the trouble started. At first I thought it was an accident. They all have dogs. Dogs need to be walked. Dogs need to go to the toilet but what I couldn’t understand was why it was happening in my garden and everyone else’s were untouched by dirty creations! I kept my mouth shut for around six months, hosing the garden clean every weekend and spending many hours at night peeping out of my window to try and catch one of the neighbour’s dogs.

One morning I realised things had escalated out of control when I walked out into my garden to find my whole lawn covered from apple tree to Conifer tree in dogs mess. I was so angry that I vowed that I was not going to sleep at all that night and catch the culprit! That was the night that I was to learn the horrifying truth.

It was approaching 2am and I was very tired. I had turned all of the lights off around 11pm so had been sitting, staring at my garden in pitch black. That was when I spotted my neighbours forming a straight line next to my driveway and take begin to take turns to find a spot of ‘clean’ grass and create what I had originally thought was dogs mess! Half an hour later my garden is covered and I have not moved a muscle. I have literally frozen in shock. I knew right away what I was going to do.

The very next night I waited until late and ran next door and as the saying goes, did as the Romans do. Half way through my plan the lights flicked on and my neighbour, Mr Hankerson, is staring at me bleary eyed with his wife in tears. My shouts of how I saw them doing the same thing soon awoke the neighbours and within half an hour of my trousers being pulled up I found myself in a police station. My explanation seemed to be ignored which may have been due to fact that the police man who was interrogating me was Mr Hankerson.

This is the problem. I am scared of going to prison so was wondering if you had any tips for people who will have to spend life in prison for ‘messing’ up someone’s garden.

Greg Chunks

Dear Greg,

Things really have gotten out of control for you and I can only imagine the horror you must be feeling. The chances of you getting a life sentence in a maximum security prison look certain which are bad for both you and GEM.

‘Garden Littering’ such as this was first recorded back in 1899 when Sir Frances Drake (first man on the moon) was spotted by Hulk Hogan in the middle of ‘Littering’ his huge Hogan garden. The Hulkster was less than happy at what had happened and a law was invented right away. Any person caught doing such atrocious things in another persons garden would be locked away for the rest of their natural life. Frances Drake died a few years later after being put in a prison much too small for him.

Greg, prison life doesn’t have to be so bad especially if you follow my handy tips which I call ‘Handy Tips for staying alive as long as you are not killed in Prison’

1) Wash on a regular basis – A smelly prisoner is a sad prisoner. If you run out of shower gel ask if you can go to the shop and to buy some more.
2) Eat food - Food is an important aspect to staying alive. Try and eat at least once a month and the same goes for drink.
3) Wear clothes – You are not at home now. Remember to always wear clothes when out with the lads, doing a few rounds of the prison yard. You may see others trying to be funny by walking around naked. It isn’t funny and it certainly isn’t clever.
4) Keep away from scorpions, snakes and poisonous tarantulas - Don’t make it a habit to get caught by one of these beasts. This will only make you uncomfortable and your stay in prison feel longer than necessary.
5) Use public transport – Nobody likes someone who has no respect for the environment. Catch a bus in the prison yard. It’s much more economical too.
6) Get a spare key cut – Its always embarrassing to get locked out of your cell. Keep a spare in your neighbour’s cell or under a potted plant.

These tips are only useful if you are not going to be executed.

Well, that’s all the tips you will need for life in prison and I hope this is useful to any other people in GEM who are going to be locked away.

Zelda