Alien Abduction Case

Hello there you lucky son of a bitch. I am not implying that your mother, or father, are or were bitches by the way, I am just using this as my opening today. I actually think you are nice. Nice and dog-like.
It is Sunday at the moment and as I write these words as an introduction to another ‘classic case’ I am thinking about friendship ladies and gentlemen. Times were different when I was involved in this alien abduction case. My husband was alive. He hadn’t slept with my mother (well, not that I was aware of) and the friends I made then were magical. They were and are what I call ‘lifers.’ You always know when the friend you have made is a ‘lifer.’ Maybe you are sitting in a dark night club, forcing in your 35th Pernod and Black and you look over at your friend and they are looking back at you and you both silently agree that it is best that you call an ambulance as you have both been vomiting blood for the past 30 minutes and your mini skirts are saturated. That there is a lifer. Maybe you have spent hours upon hours, fruitlessly plotting the next dimension in comedy and horror cinema with a little Italian guy, tears squirting from your face as your ideas become increasingly inappropriate to the more fragile of idiots. Lifer. Maybe that lifer is a girl who shits through a hose as she has no anus and can make you laugh so much that you are close to touching cloth for the forth time that evening. Lifer. I have friends that I call lifers. Some are new but most are old. My ‘lifers’ know who they are – thanks for being there and being reliable and un-fickle, or un-superficial. Thanks for not being friends with my mother – I would consider that cheating and I would hate to think of you going from being a ‘lifer’ to a ‘deader’. I didn’t kill my husband by the way.

Friends are like roses...you have to look out for the pricks!

We all like sci-fi. We all like spooky aliens, so imagine my extreme chunky excitement when the following case smashed through my eyes!

Hello everyone and everyone else. I hope you are all in good health on this fine day. Well, my pet silverback gorilla, Holly, is having a great time with her six little babies and is really putting ‘Simply’ Gary to good use in the breast feeding department.
‘Simply’ Gary has actually moved out of our house and into Holly’s nest and will more than likely stay there for the next two weeks. After which the babies will be old enough to start their own businesses or travel the globe in search of treasure. Silverback gorillas LOVE treasure even more than Gandalf from Lord of the Rings does!

No news on the book front this week. Vinnie Jones phoned me a few days ago and has promised to come around to my house to tell me about a tea related transparency. ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?’ looks set to be my best book yet!

I have been bombarded with emails, letters and voices concerning last week’s tips for prison. It seems that survival in prison is a common concern for the staff of GEM. Of course there was a steady flow of problems for me to solve and judging by the feedback I did an excellent job. Let’s have a look now and see how I dealt with one of the problems from this week’s heap.

Don’t you forget to continue sending your worries and dilemmas into me through the WIG. I read every email and respond to each personally. Think of me as a grater when you want small flakes of cheese, a tongue when you want to lick some yogurt from it’s container or a huge robot with laser guided and heat seeking missiles when your house is being attacked by Godzilla.

My brains fluids are here to help.

Dear Zelda,

I’ve had one of the strangest experiences of my life and now I am really confused and don’t know what to do. Last Friday a few of the lads and I were on our way to the local for a few pints and to see if one of us could get within six foot of the opposite sex.

The night started off as it meant to go on. Weird. All four of us arrived at the pub at the same time and an hour earlier. Whether this was because we met an hour earlier in my house and then got the same taxi together I just don’t know. All I do know is that it was strange and we were all frightened.

As we walked into the pub I noticed that things seemed extra quiet and the air was full of smoke. I began to cough and my eyes were really burning. I became aware that my mates looked a little watery in the eye region too. I checked my pockets and sure enough there were some tissues in there which I quickly distributed amongst my friends. We dried our eyes and walked up to the bar. It was the usual order, three pints of larger, a pint of Guinness, two apples, four bags of scampi fries, seven shots of tequila and four glasses of Baileys.

Three hours later and after many more drinks, fruit and scampi fries, one of my mates decided to go over to a really pretty girl who was stood at the bar smoking a cigar and eating a chicken wing. The light bounced beautifully from her chicken-greased chin. As my friend got closer he slipped on a slightly wet or greasy patch which made him fly head first into the girl. Both the chicken and the cigar disappeared down the girl’s throat. All hell broke out. A really large man walked casually over to my friend, who was trying really hard to help the choking girl and uppercut him so hard that he flew upwards and over the bar. I ran over to see if I could do anything to help but received a chair to the neck, a table to the knees and was then thrown out by the bouncers!

I tried to get back into the bar but was told that there was no way I was going back in so I began to cry. I started to walk away from the pub in the direction of a herd of taxis when there was a bright white light all around me.

I woke up three hours later in my own apartment, naked and covered in honey! I got in the shower and suddenly remembered what had happened. I had been abducted by aliens!
Help me Zelda, do you know anything about this kind of thing? I don’t know who else to talk to. I told my friends and they just called me Sigourney Weaver and threw bread at me!

Hercules McGee

Dear Hercules,

Alien abduction happens to all of us at least seven times in our life time. Your experience last Friday will not be the last time you will have to deal with these little blighters!
Alien abduction started back in the 1980s when Richard Branson was trying to invent a balloon that would allow him to travel to the moon and back in less than four hours. Although unsuccessful, he did manage to send a signal to our neighbouring planet Neptune, a planet containing evil creatures with a keen interest in humans, and ever since alien abductions have been an everyday occurrence. Sure, they are scary the first time, especially when you start getting the flashbacks of having your head pumped full of foam but over time you will accept this feeling.
There are no avoiding abductions by these things from Neptune but there are ways of preparing or making it difficult for the cosmic kidnappers and by keeping the following facts and instructions in mind you can be relax the moment you begin to get snatched.

• Aliens really hate beards. There are many documented cases of abductees who have had beards who have been taken onto the spaceship and then released just ask quickly due to facial hair. This is difficult for some woman (not me) but if you don’t want to be taken by Aliens let that moustache thicken and those sideburns flourish!
• Moisturise with full fat mayonnaise. This delicious pudding smeared on the skin not only keeps your skin looking fresh but also stings the sticky flesh of the aliens and frightens them into putting you back on Earth or the moon. It has something to do with the enzymes and nucleuses. Don’t use low fat or a garlic type of mayonnaise, this just attracts the aliens and you will be abducted every half an hour. This happened to my friend and she still makes the same mistake.
• Fill your pillow with mouse fur. If the aliens try a more hands on approach by simply walking into your bedroom then a mouse-fur-filled-pillow can be swung like lightening in its general direction. A weapon invented by Richard Branson himself! It has been claimed that this weapon actually prevented an invasion in the early 2000s. You will still be abducted by aliens anyway but they will use the usual beam of light method instead.
• Don’t blink when out at night. This will heighten your awareness and may give you the chance to run away from the beam of light. Rub flour or dust into your eyes to aid you in keeping them open.
• Watch the original Star Trek – Keep an eye on the martial arts skills of Shatner. If the aliens decide to abduct you and then challenge you to a brawl you can relax safe in the knowledge that you have studied with a grand master. Legends state that William Shatner once managed to eat six men’s faces in the middle of a fight and then burped them onto a different mans head, all in the space of three hours!

The above information is going to save you much grief from our alien cousins, Hercules. I hope that other GEM readers who are being plagued by aliens find the above information useful and remember no one can hear you scream in space… or on Earth if the alien rips your tongue out, which many do.

Love
Zelda X

*Update - Hercules used the advice and, although he was never abducted again, he was raped badly by a man wearing a baseball cap, before being drowned. Lets hope there is a heaven and that it conveniently allows you to only remember the good things. I can't think of anything worse than harps being played all around me and the memories of being drowned just after being raped for ALL eternity. Can you?

Love
Zelda X

Soiling of the grass!

Hello again, a few years ago, back in the 80s no less, this case landed on my desk I stifled a yelp as I was unsure what I would do for this skinbag at first. Then, it hit me. Advise him. So I did.

At the time I was still gathering material for my book ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible? And I had gained some valuable information from the late Jim Bowen, who is dead now (not right now, but to save me coming back and editing I will refer to him as if he died. He may not have been killed by a cougar but for the purpose of this exercise I want you to visualise this wild creature clawing at Jim’s sad and extremely confused face, as it is torn to shreds by the wild animal that some how managed to get into the bath with Jim unnoticed. Maybe Jim was doing that thing where he lay back in the bath and had a hot flannel over his face and was thinking of dart related game shows. Maybe he had some shampoo in his eyes and he was clumsily grasping at air, inches away from the towel and then when he finally got the towel he dried his eyes and all the while the cougar was just sitting on one of those trays which go across the bath which you can put soap, sponge and pumice in. Poor Jim. May he be in a better place right now. We love you Jim. God bless! Why GOD?! WHY!!! WHY DID YOU TAKE ONE OF YOUR OWN!!!!) Jim's name isn't even Jim! It's Peter.

This article is also the first time that I mention my pet silverback Gorilla - Holly.

Please enjoy and remember, not all that glitters is gold. Glass in the face of a chav?

Good morning, good afternoon, good night and merry Christmas to you depending on when you are reading this! I informed my lovely WIG colleagues last week that I had to go to an Annual Agony Aunt Convention. This was not true. Me and my husband ‘Simply’ Gary’s pet silverback gorilla, Holly gave birth to her first litter of hatchlings.

It was an easy labour with all six of the babies flying out pretty much at the same time. Holly is, of course, storing her children in her back pouches until they are old enough to walk. ‘Simply’ Gary has to help out with the breast feeding of the offspring as they are a hungry bunch and Holly can only take so much milking.

This birth took up much of my time last week and also left me with a huge amount of work in both GEM and in answering your emails and questions. It has also knocked things back with the work I have been doing on my book, ‘Can Tea Really Make You Invisible?’

Jim Bowen submitted some interesting material about how many years ago, around the time Bullseye ended, he and his wife were sitting in a hammock drinking a fresh mug of Tetley when all of a sudden he felt a painful sensation flooding through his shoulders. The amazing thing is that instead of becoming invisible or slightly translucent he actually became even denser in appearance. The tea had caused a reverse effect. This affliction left the comedian in such a solid state that cameras couldn’t pick up his image anymore and so Bullseye ended.

It is time for me to work my magic now and solve another problem bothering a precious GEM staff member. Don’t forget to keep sending your problems into me through the WIG. I read every email and respond to each personally. Think of me as a beaver when you need a dam, some beef when you are planning a delicious roast beef dinner or a pair of goggles when you are swimming and your eyes are sensitive to chlorine and/or urine.

My brain waves are here to help.

Dear Zelda,

I am in a real mess! Recently, I moved into a lovely estate in Belfast. When I moved there I quickly learnt that everyone knows each other very well and every week the whole estate take it in turns to meet up at each others houses to talk about what is going on in our little suburbia.
It didn’t take long for me to get invited to one of these gatherings and it didn’t take long for me to notice that the people living in the other houses were all a little bit creepy. First of all, all of the residents look very similar. Women and men seem to have the same hair and features. None of the twelve couples have children and all of them have dogs.

Not long after this meeting the trouble started. At first I thought it was an accident. They all have dogs. Dogs need to be walked. Dogs need to go to the toilet but what I couldn’t understand was why it was happening in my garden and everyone else’s were untouched by dirty creations! I kept my mouth shut for around six months, hosing the garden clean every weekend and spending many hours at night peeping out of my window to try and catch one of the neighbour’s dogs.

One morning I realised things had escalated out of control when I walked out into my garden to find my whole lawn covered from apple tree to Conifer tree in dogs mess. I was so angry that I vowed that I was not going to sleep at all that night and catch the culprit! That was the night that I was to learn the horrifying truth.

It was approaching 2am and I was very tired. I had turned all of the lights off around 11pm so had been sitting, staring at my garden in pitch black. That was when I spotted my neighbours forming a straight line next to my driveway and take begin to take turns to find a spot of ‘clean’ grass and create what I had originally thought was dogs mess! Half an hour later my garden is covered and I have not moved a muscle. I have literally frozen in shock. I knew right away what I was going to do.

The very next night I waited until late and ran next door and as the saying goes, did as the Romans do. Half way through my plan the lights flicked on and my neighbour, Mr Hankerson, is staring at me bleary eyed with his wife in tears. My shouts of how I saw them doing the same thing soon awoke the neighbours and within half an hour of my trousers being pulled up I found myself in a police station. My explanation seemed to be ignored which may have been due to fact that the police man who was interrogating me was Mr Hankerson.

This is the problem. I am scared of going to prison so was wondering if you had any tips for people who will have to spend life in prison for ‘messing’ up someone’s garden.

Greg Chunks

Dear Greg,

Things really have gotten out of control for you and I can only imagine the horror you must be feeling. The chances of you getting a life sentence in a maximum security prison look certain which are bad for both you and GEM.

‘Garden Littering’ such as this was first recorded back in 1899 when Sir Frances Drake (first man on the moon) was spotted by Hulk Hogan in the middle of ‘Littering’ his huge Hogan garden. The Hulkster was less than happy at what had happened and a law was invented right away. Any person caught doing such atrocious things in another persons garden would be locked away for the rest of their natural life. Frances Drake died a few years later after being put in a prison much too small for him.

Greg, prison life doesn’t have to be so bad especially if you follow my handy tips which I call ‘Handy Tips for staying alive as long as you are not killed in Prison’

1) Wash on a regular basis – A smelly prisoner is a sad prisoner. If you run out of shower gel ask if you can go to the shop and to buy some more.
2) Eat food - Food is an important aspect to staying alive. Try and eat at least once a month and the same goes for drink.
3) Wear clothes – You are not at home now. Remember to always wear clothes when out with the lads, doing a few rounds of the prison yard. You may see others trying to be funny by walking around naked. It isn’t funny and it certainly isn’t clever.
4) Keep away from scorpions, snakes and poisonous tarantulas - Don’t make it a habit to get caught by one of these beasts. This will only make you uncomfortable and your stay in prison feel longer than necessary.
5) Use public transport – Nobody likes someone who has no respect for the environment. Catch a bus in the prison yard. It’s much more economical too.
6) Get a spare key cut – Its always embarrassing to get locked out of your cell. Keep a spare in your neighbour’s cell or under a potted plant.

These tips are only useful if you are not going to be executed.

Well, that’s all the tips you will need for life in prison and I hope this is useful to any other people in GEM who are going to be locked away.

Zelda

Sorry it's been a while you lovely person you!

Hello boys and girls,

Well, it’s been a long time since I talked to you all and so much has happened. One thing that DIDN’T happen though was my script! ARGH!

It was a cold night, I was sitting in my writing chair, a glass of slightly chilled water in my well manicured hand, my notes sprawled across my desk like a selection of Moses scrolls, when BANG! A cup smashed in the kitchen.
“Can you go and take a look at what that was?” I called out loud. Then I remembered, I live alone in this lighthouse-mill. Just me and the spirit of Simply Gary.
I got up from my desk and headed in the direction of the kitchen and the smashing sound. My heart was pumping fat blood through my arteries like skin flicks in a virgin’s garage space. Fear gripped my chowder. What the hell had made a cup fall over? I looked at my watch, my fear and anxiety becoming thicker as the big hand went on a 12 and the little hand was on the 11. A cup had not only broken but it was also really, really late. What on St Gods green Earth had made a cup fall at a time like this.
I reached the kitchen, and raised one of those hands I was on about earlier. My nails did a tapping sound as they struck the wood like chutney bursting through an octopus. Using gravity and force, I pushed the door open. It opened. On the floor, in pieces was a cup. Something moved. Was it a coincidence that it moved when I moved? It wasn’t.

I was devastated that I was unable to write my script. I was even more devastated when The WIG was once again stopped in work. I was often thanked for publishing my words of advice to the workers of GEM as there was advice to be taken from every piece of work I had ‘published.’
“Thanks,” a man would say.
“I am good now,” another man would say.
“I still have a problem with my blood flow down there but your advice has inspired me to give it another go, but with my wife this time,” said another man.
A few girls said things too!
“My nipples have never been so responsive!”
I can obviously offer advice here and will still do some at people directly if I have time and time isn’t being a whore.

Anyway, I am going to stick a few old cases up for you to check out with your eyes. Don’t hesitate to contact me if you want to have a wag of the chin and get things off your chest. Maybe your husband is being a cheating scumbag and is out there with your mother right now, pleasuring her in ways that only a man with no inhibitions or respect for women can. Tea bagging, roman-showers, scat, public pissing, granny sex, webcam stuff, ‘forced’ and ‘a bit of juice’ that is probably what they are doing right now and you are sitting here reading this going, “Boo-hoo, I think he is out there doing a scat with a woman and I am sitting here reading this… boo-hoo.”
Seriously, get in touch, let me know what’s up and I will get back to you with advice. I know people.

Love
Zelda x